Dear Mind Over Miles,
I am in a long distance relationship with my lover while I am studying away at university, we have been together for a year and a half. 3/4’s of which I have been away! Not long but we are very happy together and we make the distance work.
I am now back home with him, family and friends, and he has mentioned passionately about coming to live with me in the city at university on my third year (I’ve just completed my first) which is coming thick and fast, I am not concerned with how we will cope with any of that right now as I know our love is strong, however what does concern me is that he has his family, friends, job and HIS BAND!
Which has now started to get a few bigger gigs, produce some EP’s and he is very much involved and into it, moving away from that would be devastating and I wouldn’t want him to resent me for it after a period of time (at the moment he is happy to travel for gigs hypothetically) his band know how strong we are and although are sad about it are happy to let him go for now.
So really my question is; would it be wise to get my hopes up about him coming to live with me in my 3rd year of university or should I explain again to him that his dreams count just as much as my own?
It sounds like you’re both enjoying spending time together. He may feel like he doesn’t want to be away from you again. Many people have given up bands, family, riches and more to be with the person they love. You never know what love will move a person to do.
You’re worried that he may just be saying this in the spur of the moment and that the reality of moving to the city with you may be too overwhelming for him. You want him to be happy and live without regret. This is a reasonable concern. This is a big decision that requires a lot of thought and communication.
Love, commitment and communication are the foundations of a successful relationship. This will not be the last big decision you need to make in your relationship. That’s why communication is so important. We all have needs, fears, and thoughts to express. There is a level of vulnerability that comes with expressing yourself honestly. This vulnerability keeps the relationship safe and strong.
So, talk to him. The only way to find out what he is thinking is to ask him. It’s great that he supports your dreams. Make sure he knows that you’re willing to reciprocate. You support his dreams too, whatever they may be. Tell him that your commitment to him will remain constant now matter how close or far apart you are. So whether he wants to move to the city to be with you or stay and pursue his music while you finish studying, you will stay together.