Dear Mind over Miles,
Hi, I’m currently in my 5th month of a LDR. The first weeks were easy and he made so much effort when he went back home, but this has gradually decreased. My bf says that this is because the internet connection is awful- which in fairness- it is, in Nigeria, sometimes even the phone lines can sound like you’re talking to a robot.
I just feel unsatisfied. We view relationships quite differently- in that he thinks I’m a mind reader and knows everything he feels. He doesn’t even like to say love you anymore, he says he’d rather prove it to me.
Some days I know he loves me and I know how hard this is for him as well, and 3,000 miles apart makes no difference as all we do is laugh and smile. Other days, I feel like for him this isn’t a big deal, as he can easily make a life back home.
He knows I have doubts, due to past relationships, as does he. I’m scared he would come back and after so long apart he wouldn’t want me anymore, and when I don’t hear the small things as much it makes me doubt.
Today he said he wanted to start up a business in Nigeria, but doesn’t realize why that would upset me- I feel like he’s securing a back up plan in case we don’t work out- which in my eyes is really negative thinking and not proactive for our cause- but then again this is because I’d do things differently. I guess a lot of this is loneliness and being scared. I guess I’m after some words of encouragement or the harsh truth.
What do you do when you love someone to no end, but distance just makes you doubt? :(
It sounds like you are having a tough time figuring things out. You two need to have a heart to heart talk. Anytime you’re having relationship problems, communication is always the answer. Otherwise, neither of you will know what’s going on and what you need from each other. One important talk every couple should have is about is your relationship needs. For example, it sounds like you need to hear “I love you” everyday in order to feel loved. There’s nothing wrong with that. So tell him that it’s something you need to be happy in your relationship. And ask him what you can do to make him feel loved.
The second thing that you should discuss is the doubts and insecurities you both have about your relationship. Express yourself honestly but kindly. Tell him what you told me about how you feel insecure about him starting a business and that you fear it’s a back up plan. Then ask him for the reasoning behind this plan. Hear him out and find out why he wants to do this. The reason may surprise you. Once you’ve discussed this and any other concerns you may have ask him what makes him feel insecure about your relationship.
Once you’ve both expressed how you feel, you can start working on solutions. Talk about what you both can do to improve your relationship. Come up with ways you can show each other that you are committed to the relationship. This will make you both feel more secure about your relationship. Talk about your needs and what it will take to make the doubts go away.
Wish you the best,
Mind Over Miles