Mind Over Miles: He broke up with me! Now he wants me back?

Dear Mind Over Miles,

I’m so confused. My boyfriend recently asked me for a “break” and I don’t know what to think. We’ve been together for almost two years. He always comes to my location to visit me and I have never gone to see him. The last time that he came to see me I was in school so I wasn’t really able to spend that much time with him. I did my best to spend as much time with him as I could though. We’ve been having issues since that visit. He started believing that I didn’t care about our relationship and became upset that I don’t go to visit him. Also, his family and friends weren’t really supportive and that made him pretty sad.

So I decided to go and see him for a few weeks. He was very happy and so was I. Things improved drastically. He would talk about our future, getting married, and being together forever. He said he felt so lucky to be with me. He looked at me like I was gold. He said he finally felt like we were a real couple. Well, of course I had to go back home. He was very depressed when I left and about a week later he said that he needed a “break” because of family & financial problems. (He lives at home and doesn’t have a job.)

He said he feels a little resentful about how long I took to go and see him but he is trying not to be. But then he says that he loves me and needs me to be able to hold me. He wants me to move to where he is but wouldn’t ask me. I know him so well and I know that he is pushing me away because he is scared. Now he is saying that he feels like he is holding me back from my dreams. I’m also a little worried about his lack of family support. When I was visiting his family said that I was “too much for him”.

Even though we are taking a “break”, he keeps talking me and recently called me to say he misses me and wants to travel with me. I feel like he is depressed or something, he is isolating himself from everyone and never really does the things that he likes anymore.

-Jeanie

Dear Jeanie,

It’s understandable that you feel confused because your boyfriend is sending you mixed signals. It sounds like he can’t make his mind up about whether or not he wants to be with you. He pushes you away out of fear, then regrets it and wants you back. This is the never ending cycle that you relationship will be in as long as you let it.

Figure out what you both want.

You two need to have an honest heart to heart discussion about what you want.In order for a relationship to work, you both need to be on the same page. You both have to want it and be willing to work, sacrifice and compromise for it. You’re in school pursuing the job you want. You know you want it, and you’re doing everything in your power to reach that goal. What about your relationship? What goals have you two set together for closing the distance?

Nudge him in the right direction.

Honestly your boyfriend sounds like a very lost person. Not just in your relationship but in general. What are his goals? Where does he see himself in 5 years? You need to ask him these questions and help him to find direction in life. He’ll never move out and get a job if he doesn’t know what he wants out of life.

Also, it sounds like he has no family support. In fact, they sound a little bit opposed to your relationship. So as long as he is under their roof, he will have to be twice as committed to you. If he is really is serious about you. He needs to make sure that his family understands that.

If you are committed, goal-oriented, and willing to fight for your relationship, then you will have a beautiful future together.

Wishing you the best,