Dear Mind Over Miles,
About 7 years ago, I met a girl who I saw alot of potential in. I was instantly drawn to her for reasons that I can’t even pinpoint. We started a relationship but being my first long distance relationship, it didnt last too long. I broke it off because I just couldnt deal. We did remain friends but somewhere along the road we seemed to have lost touch over a period of years. Both she and I have seen and been with over people and have gone on with our lives.
Earlier last year, our paths crossed again, but the potential I had seen in her years ago had fully blossomed and the attraction was even stronger. It started out as friends catching up, but it slowly blossomed into something more. Soon enough, I flew out to see her and things began to fall into place. Things progressed quite well. I’d visit any chance I’d get and this LDR was actually working out pretty well.
The only downside was that my job requires me to travel frequently which increased the distance between us at times. This would upset her and she’d put a wall up and sort of take a step back. The more I traveled the higher the wall. Until one day, she asked for some time to herself. I gave her space and time, but checked in on her daily.
Then, I decided to confront her, that’s when she told me that during the last trip I was on- she put her wall up as usual. And as the days went on, though we spoke everyday- she no longer felt like she missed me. And that it didn’t sit right with her. I told her that I’d work on it and try to decrease the travel and find a new job because I was willing to work on ‘us’ but her reply was “I’m not so sure I’m willing to do the same”
I thought to myself that perhaps she loves me but is no longer in love with me. Still, I couldnt bear the thought of losing her so I told her that I’d like to remain friends. We did just that. Thing is I havent stopped loving her and I still hold back what I feel inside.
At first, I pulled away from everyone. Then with time, I tried seeing other people but something was always missing. Aside from work, I used to travel to get away- I always seemed to find myself searching for something. But I dont travel much anymore. And more than anything, I just feel homesick all the time. I want to go back to her, her arms is the only place that has ever felt like home. She is my home.
Should I confront her and risk losing her, or bottle it up and remain friends?
It sounds like you love this girl very much and it also sounds like you are hurting inside. In order for a relationship to work, two people have to be committed to making it work. At this point you’ve both taken a step back and you’re just friends. Clearly, you’re committed to making a relationship work with her. But how does she feel? Since we don’t possess the ability to read minds, you’ll have to ask her if you want to know.
She expressed that she was having a hard time with your traveling when you were in a relationship. Everyone has different needs when it comes to relationships. So for some, talking on the phone is not enough. Sending flowers, gifts, letters, and other tangible things that she can hold onto when you’re gone might make a huge difference for her. It’s possible that she just needs more reassurance of your love when you’re apart from each other. It’s also possible that she is no longer committed to making the relationship work and wants to move on.
However, before you talk to her, it’s important to understand your feelings and desires. Ask yourself: Am I willing to remain friends with her if she expresses that she is no longer open to the possibility of having a relationship with me? Is having her in my life as a friend affecting me negatively? If moving on is the only option, would it be better to break contact with her for a while until I can get my feelings under control?
Once you’ve decided where you stand, then you should talk to her. This is a discussion that you two need to have. It doesn’t have to be a confrontation. Let her know how you feel. Tell her that if you were together again, you would be willing to do whatever she needed you to do in order for her to feel loved. Ask her what her relationship needs are. Ask her if she has any fears about getting back into a relationship. Ask her to tell you honestly if she simply wants to move on and close that chapter of your lives. Once you’ve both honestly expressed how you feel and what you want you will both be able to move forward.
Wish you the best,
Mind Over Miles