Mind Over Miles: She’s Afraid She Can’t Commit To a Long Distance Relationship

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Dear Mind Over Miles,

I met a girl 9 months ago that was rooming with one of my friends when I was traveling. We talked a little, but not too much. Over the next 3 months we ran into each other 2 or 3 times and flirted a little.

Then I came back in town and stayed there again for a weekend. Without meaning to we ended up spending the entire Saturday together. During this day we talked about everything you can imagine for hours.

The next day before I left, she told me to text her which we have been doing almost daily for 6 months. We FaceTime about once a week for an hour and have seen each other 7 times during this time.

Two days ago, I told her that I like her a lot and would like to pursue this more than once a month. This was her reply

“I think you are absolutely amazing you know that. I have just done the long distance and I ended up getting really hurt. I don’t know if I want to set myself up for that again. I definitely want to stay in touch and see you I just don’t know right now”

I tried to reassure her and be supportive. We chatted a little bit more but I guess my big head wanted to continue to talk about it and I brought it up again. Her reply was

“my concern is not that I think you are anything like the guy from my past. I am not sure I have the time to commit to make long distance work right now. I’m a girl, I honestly never know what I want. I’m just not sure I’m ready for that right now. With this new job, you don’t deserve someone who will only be able to give you that little of their time.”

I thanked her for her honesty and said only time will tell before changing subject. But now I’m sensing she is being slower talking to me. I don’t know if I scared her away or if she is just busy.

How should I continue to pursue her without scaring her away? And how can I can I get rid of the awkwardness that is there at the moment?

I was thinking of mailing her favorite movie to her on dvd as a surprise because she said the other day how she wished she had it and it would cost less than 10 dollars to buy and mail it. It’s the little things that count in my opinion. Like I sent her flowers for the first time 3 weeks ago and put just because it’s Monday. She was so thankful for, the flowers and seemed to really like them. What should I do?

Thanks,

Roberto


Dear Roberto,

These types of situations can be rough. You have made it clear to her you want a relationship and there is only so much one person can say. Ultimately this is up to her and it’s important you don’t pressure her too hard one way or the other.

It sounds like she has a job that would put some time constraint on how often you two can communicate, you should also think about how this would affect both of you in the relationship. Even if you decide you are okay with the amount of time she would be working, you still need to respect her decision if she thinks she would be working too much to get into another LDR.

Remember: it takes two people to have a successful relationship, but LDRs are even tougher. If your friend isn’t ready to get in an LDR, but you pressure her into it anyway, that can only spell disaster for the two of you maybe even ruining the good relationship you currently have together.

You may still decide to talk with her further on the subject, but don’t get too hung up if she decides she doesn’t want another LDR. If she just got out of one, she still might need time for closure and time to be by herself. Also keep in mind that pressuring her and repeatedly bringing the subject up may cause her to pull away from you even more, which may explain why it seems to you that she is slower in talking to you now.

The best thing you can do to win any woman over is to respect her boundaries and her decisions. Sometimes people just don’t want a relationship, and while it may be difficult, we have to face that fact.

 

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