Dear Mind Over Miles,
My boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for about a year. We still haven’t met in person. We are making plans to meet soon though. We met online and didn’t really intend to become an LDR couple, but it just kind of happened and we fell in love. We’ve been very happy together and things were going great until one day, out of the blue, he suggested that we slow down a bit. Ever since then, it seems like he is lost.
He has been going to therapy and it did help him to figure that he truly loves me and clearly want something more from me as in the intimacy but that is something I couldn’t give him now because of the distance. However I have a plan for losing the distance next year. I’m going to move to where he is to and finish my schooling there and find a job in my field in his area. She also suggested that we maybe need to put our relationship on pause but I didn’t like that idea. Clearly this therapist has never dealt with an LDR before. Since you are an expert on LDRs, Hopefully you can us give some advice. Thanks.
I hope to hear from you soon,
It’s no secret that a long distance relationship will test you. It will pull out your deepest insecurities and challenge you in ways you never thought possible. This is good though, because it helps you to grow into a better and stronger person. It sounds like he is going through some of those growing pains. As you mentioned, he clearly loves you and it is super great for you to have that information.
Your relationship is in a fragile state right now and you both need to a draw closer together in spite of the distance. Communication is going to be vital for your relationship because it is the thing that will keep you connected. Positive communication will encourage him and add hope to the commitment that already you have to each other.
It’s important to be honest but not brutally honest about your feelings. Don’t say things that will hurt you both in the long run. It’s important for him not feel guilty about his feelings or to feel invalidated. Make sure he knows that he can tell you whatever is on his mind. Whatever his concerns are. Pausing your relationship would be like sweeping it under the rug. It’s out of sight, but not really resolved.
Keep it light and fun. Don’t hyper focus on the distance and make your relationship an overly serious and tense. Have fun and do fun things together. Tell each other jokes. Live in the moment of what you have–each other. Set small goals leading up to the largest one of closing the distance. And every time you reach one of those goals, celebrate!
You two are so close to the finish line, so don’t give up now!
Wishing you the best,