Dear Mind Over Miles,
I’ve been in an LDR on and off for about 4 years now. The first go round was hard on me and I chose to be with someone else for a while. But I always missed him, even if everyone around me was telling me an LDR wasn’t good for me.
This time around I know how I feel. I think I’ve known for a long time, but it was hard for me to accept. I love him and I always will. Recently he’s started to see that he loves me too and actually says it. But it bothers him a little. We have never met in person and are very far from each other. Does love really transcend miles and distance? Even without the meeting?
-Elise
Dear Elise,
First, absolutely, positively, most definitely, love can transcend miles, distance and time! DO NOT let other people tell you what is and isn’t good for you unless there is a serious cause for alarm. Only you can make decisions about your own life. Take what other people say with a grain of salt, be polite, but don’t let them get to you.
Take what other people say about your LDR with a grain of salt.
This happens a lot in a LDR. That being said a LDR is extremely difficult. I will not sugar coat it. I am not sure what has caused the on/off 4-year relationship, but that might be a red flag as to whether or not it will work for you two. You will want to seriously think of the reasons and causes for the past break ups and determine if they are repeatable.
You have already said that the LDR was hard on you; is this something you can endure for a long period of time? There are ways of making a LDR easier for you, but I could list ideas for hours! That’s what this magazine is about!
The issue here seems to be whether or not you both are on the same page and are ready for such a committed relationship at this point in your life. Most couples in an LDR are in it with the belief that they will one day be together and many successful LDR’s had a plan to get there. Do your life dreams and goals align with his to the point where you can picture eventually coming together? Ask him what his hesitations are. Discuss what a LDR would mean for both of your individual goals and your own futures.
The best advice I can provide is to just give this a lot of thought. Is an LDR going to cause you or him to sacrifice too much of who you are and your goals in life? If so, you may want to reconsider. If it does not seem doable (even if you have deep feelings for each other they can fade over time) you would be able to find someone to make you just as happy if not more, later down the road. If it does seem like something you want to commit too, make a plan to meet up, and to eventually close the gap. Knowing it’s not permanent can help you get through it.
April 27, 2015 at 12:01 amI was in a situation similar to Elise’s and my situation ended very well for me. You can love someone who you have never met. It really happens all of the time, but we don’t tend to judge it unless people are taking part in a romantic relationship. How many mothers love their babies while they are still in the womb? How many people feel they love a celebrity they never met and can never have a relationship with? It appears most people are perfectly capable of loving people they’ve never met. Isn’t it more logical to love someone who you’ve communication with and gotten to know? At least, in that case, there is a real exchange of personality and feelings.
It’s natural to also have doubts, but I always considered the fact that all relationships have separation. Usually, that separation is brief. Each person goes to work, but the relationship exists as long as each person holds the connection in his or her mind. Physical proximity is not necessary for a relationship to be real. It is necessary to get certain types of satisfaction and support, but not to have a connection to someone.
The thing that I have always remembered about LDRs is that proximity physically does not mean people are intimate. There are people who live together and do things together for years who don’t really know each other. Some of the shallowest and most unfulfilling relationships that I’ve seen people have have been between people who were already married, but were essentially two single people living in the same physical space. Just because you ate a meal together or watched a movie does not mean you’re having a relationship. A relationship is about intimacy and you can actually build that better and faster when all you have is communication.