Dear Mind Over Miles,
I met him when I was 15 years old. Now we are both 20. We both love each other but he’s had 2 girlfriends after me and currently still has a gf and still says he loves me.
When he knows I’m in town he does the impossible to see me everyday. We live in different countries and are both attending universities. We have tried to stop our contact but we just can’t.
It hurts me to see him happy with someone else but he also can’t stop thinking about me, we both want each other. At the same time we both need to spend a lot of time together to see if it might work. But should I not be selfish and just let him be happy or continue until we can figure it out?
-Star
Dear Star,
What a unique situation you’re in. I can see you and he have a long history together and while it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to maintain some sort of relationship with him for that long, it also puts you at a huge disadvantage.
Sometimes when we care for someone so much, it can be hard to look at a situation objectively -especially if we’ve held feelings for them for so long or in your case, for at least 5 years. It can cause us to hang on to a relationship that is unhealthy, because we’ve had that person around for so long.
But, just because you’ve known someone for a long time it doesn’t mean you have to keep them around or keep caring about them. Sure it may be something that feels safe and familiar because you’re used to associating those feelings with that person, but is it really healthy to hang on to someone who clearly isn’t exclusively interested in you?
Long Distance Relationships are unique, in that the two people involved love and want each other so much, they’re willing to forsake other possible relationships nearby to be with the person who is far away. Doing this shows their commitment to the other person and is proof that they truly do love and want to be with them.
Based on his actions towards you so far, what proof has your guy friend given to you that he really does love you despite everything? It’s easy to say you love someone, but actions always speak louder than words.
Someone who is dating other girls while professing to love you from afar, is hardly someone who has shown that his feelings are exclusive to you. He wants the best of both worlds and really, he has it – a long distance flirtation with you while having the benefits of dating girls near him as well.
You need to ask yourself a series of serious questions:
- Is this kind of a relationship fair to you?
- Is this situation fair to the girlfriends that he’s dated while professing love to you?
- Is this relationship something you would want to continue on this way forever?
- If it’s not okay for the long term, why allow it to be okay in the short term?
- And how can you really trust someone who flirts with a girl in another country behind the backs of his current girlfriend(s) to be faithful to you as well, when he can’t even commit to you now?
Relationships are all about boundaries, so if it is your intention to be in a serious romantic relationship with him you need to have a serious up front talk with him about it NOW. Do not tip toe around it.
As it stands, the situation you are in currently is not healthy and unfair to everyone involved -except him since he has the most to gain from it. Based on his actions so far, he has demonstrated no real commitment to you. So keep that in mind as you make your final decision about the relationship.
