Dear Mind Over Miles,
I have my first long distance relationship. My boyfriend needed to fly back to Guam. Because he works there. And I’m in the Philippines. We were so happy and sweet when we were together.
And it felt like we could face all the problems in life as long as we are together. But when he flew back to Guam, we still have our constant communication. We do video calls. But now, he wants to break up with me because he said it doesn’t feel like before. We are not sweet anymore, he said.
But I think we still are. Maybe he just miss the feelings when we were together. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to let it go. He always tells me he loves me but something has change. I want to work it how. Please help me.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend really love each other. Humans are very complex. We have many emotional layers. That can make it difficult for us to get to the root of relationship problems. Your boyfriend is feeling unsure about your relationship, but you’re not sure why. So how do you find out?
Ask very specific questions.
Most people would agree that communication is important, but there is an art to effective communication. You can “talk” to someone for hours but never really “say” anything. To get to the heart of the matter you have to ask the right questions. Questions like:
What makes you feel happy in a relationship? Are you bored? What do you miss most about being close to me? Ask questions that will encourage him to open up and express his feelings and concerns. Once he does, listen with an open mind. An important part of effective communication between couples is the ability to be vulnerable and honest with each other. Once you know what your partner is feeling, you can work together to solve the problem.
Take the love language quiz.
We’re all human, but we don’t all express love the same way. In order for a relationship to work, you both have to feel like your needs are being met. In order to meet each others needs you have to understand them first. That’s where Gary Chapman’s Love Language quiz comes Not only will it help you to understand your partner better, but it will also help to understand yourself.
Since you’re not sure what made your relationship “sweet” before, try doing a little bit of experimenting. After all, relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting anyway. Try to mix it up and try new things together. Do something interesting and unconventional for a date night sometime. Sometimes all a relationship needs is a little spicing up.
Wishing you the best,